MS: “We still have more units in anyone’s homes - even though we are being consistently outsold in every territory, except the US - and losing our lead there faster and faster every week. We have fewer exclusives than anyone else, so after we show off the paltry amount of exclusives we have this year we’re going to show off a bunch of cross platform titles and make them appear as if they are only going to be on our system. We got Netflix, which is super awesome for at most 25% of our customers - partly because we still have yet to do jack shit for anyone outside the US, but mostly because broadband still sucks ass from a molasses tree in the lower 48. And Japan,even though we just recently called you “one of our most important territories” you get no content. Still. We’ve introduced yet another SKU, with a bigger HDD unit, which is still proprietary. Oh, and we managed to convince Square Enix to make Final Fantasy XIII cross-platform, arming legions of 360 fanboys to all yell in unison ‘There went my sole reason to buy a PS3!’.

Sony: “I can’t stand still and must rock left to right for every fucking sentence - and I look a bit like a cross between Uncle Vinnie and Uncle Bill and probably some other Ruddy uncle. We’ve lowered the price on our 80GB unit, but we’re still not going to do anything to re-institute backwards compatibility - most likely because we still push countless units of our last generation system, not because of ‘hardware issues’. Our initial marketing spiel was presented by a customised Little Big Planet level - which made the rest of our marketing spiel appear as boring as it really is. We didn’t show off Killzone 2 because we finally realised that 4 consecutive years of pushing one game may potentially get old. Oh, but we will show Home again, for the trillionth time - with no release date mentioned. We aren’t going to show any of the big cross-platform games - for some dumb reason, thereby leading many to assume some games which we will have soon won’t be coming to our system. We’re also releasing our own TV / movie download system - which is available today – ah, but only in the US. And we have got a ridiculous amount of ezclusives coming out for this holiday. Oh and God of War III is coming, but our trailer will just be CG.”

Nintendo: “Remember how in the 80’s we thought that we did enough that we don’t really need to impress you anymore? Well, we’re bringing them back - and we have countless bar graphs and charts to prove it. Seriously, we aren’t going to show you a slew of cool new games - we are going to smother you with charts. No big titles are in the works. We’ve also finally got a headset which you can use on our overwhelmingly inadequate online system - which we have no plans to improve. We also still don’t really have any big new titles that everyone is going to be talking about this year, either, so if you expected any of those… Sorry. Oh, and we have a modification to our current controller which makes it more sensitive, so now you can do a few more Wii sporting events, or pretend to play on the drums. But no really exciting breakthrough games, like we have had every year for the past few years. I’m not kidding. No big surprise games. Please leave.”

My next few posts will be about the games I want to play. Many are cross platform, but overall I think Sony took it this year. It’s all about the content, and they really had the most to offer this year. But you’ll see what I mean soon enough. Except from Nintendo, who didn’t have anything to show in the games department, save for a few ho-hum titles. And I do mean, FEW.